I think I died a long time ago.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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