When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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