So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
