Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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