you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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