All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
