why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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