she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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