if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
