I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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