I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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