Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
