Jerry, you need to find god
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
