I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
