cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
