just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
