Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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