found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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