Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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