Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
