we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
