I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
