The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
