Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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