i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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