Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize