My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize