I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
