I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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