It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
