just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
