Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
