see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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