you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
