yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
