I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
