That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
