I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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