your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
