my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
