that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Someone shit on the floor
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
