well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
