Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
