i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize