That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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