im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
