u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
