you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
