Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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