It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize