we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
accomplished twins. life is a go
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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