new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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