I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
