I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize