I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
