Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize