she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
