I will die if light touches me.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize