Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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