I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
