Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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