Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
