she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
