And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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