I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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