There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
These tits shall not be calmed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
