brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
