all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
